DAN IS HOT LIKE CURLY FRIES

I'm relatively new to blogging outside of the Galactic Empire, I mean MySpace. A cool dude I met on there decided to host his blogs exclusively off of that site due to the changes in their Terms of Service. I had read them myself and decided to do the same. Apparently, anything you post on MySpace become their property as long as it's posted. Bullshit. So this will be my first blog outside of the Empire and I hope to become even an infinitesimal part of the blogosphere by a bit more honest and free means. Thank you and enjoy. Or not. you don't have to read this shit.

So, I've decided recently that I need a girl who wants to use me. All of my past relationships have been based around me being the greatest guy in the world. The women and girls that I've been with previously dig me because, compared to the last guy they had been with, I was the best thing since sliced bread. All simply because I didn't beat them, berate them, or try to rape them. Don't get me wrong, you shouldn't do any of those things if you want to be considered a nice guy. But you also can't let a gal get all into you, fall in love, and get comfortable, and then decide that you want out of the relationship. I've done that way too many damn times.

I want a girl who could care less that I don't hit her. That should come standard anyway, right ladies? I want a girl who could care less that I don't sleep around. Again, should be standard in a guy. Can't be an asshole. But no, I get these girls who love the hell out of me and put all kinds of effort into a "long-term relationship" only to realize too late that, in some respects, I'm just like every guy in the fucking world. I want change, not commitment. I want multiple vaginas, not just the same old thing.

I've come to acknowledge that Dan (myself) is a lot like Wendy's. You know, the hamburger joint? I'll tell you why. Ladies, this is for you.

When someone mentions Wendy's, you think, "Oh man, I haven't had Wendy's in a long time. I would really like Wendy's." But you forget the last time you had Wendy's. You don't just order the chicken nuggets, no. You see the Triple Cheeseburger combo on the menu and think, "That's the one for me. I even want the Frosty! I can't wait to make it mine!"

You get your dream Wendy's meal and it is delicious. So delicious in fact that you suspend all else to enjoy the sensation of being with Wendy's. You take all the meat in your mouth and let it inside you. The grease runs over your skin. The cool cream of the Frosty enters your being. Nothing can have as a part of it the ecstasy that Wendy's carries. Everything is wonderful.

Wendy's even tries to let you know that pain could come in the future. "I can't promise I won't hurt you. And I don't want you to hurt because I really enjoy being with you now. I just don't know what the future holds," Wendy's tell you.

"I don't care about what you've done to other people," you reply, "You're different this time. I know that a good, healthy meal is in there somewhere."

And you take Wendy's into you, body and soul. Soon you get comfortable with Wendy's, and Wendy's with you. You know that nothing bad can happen as long as Wendy's is with you, near you, part of your life. Everything is bliss. You are in love with Wendy's.

Then, slowly, a disturbance begins to arise. A rumbling, if you will. You begin to suspect that Wendy's wants something besides the bliss that you initially experienced together. It wants out. But you can't let go of this feeling. You and Wendy's have had so many good times together. All the memories that you've had and the things you've done cannot end, can they? You've shared so many things with Wendy's that you would never have even considered doing with another meal in order to keep Wendy's as happy with you as you are with Wendy's. You ordered a baked potato instead of fries, for God's sake! And you don't even like baked potatoes! You figured Wendy's would like you more if you just ate a baked potato! You feel so used. And dirty. But you never think it can get worse.

Out of the blue, Wendy's lets you know that it's over. "It was never meant to be. I'm fast food. I can't commit to something so permanent. I'm sorry." Wendy's wants out. Wendy's needs to be alone. Wendy's wants to be evacuated from this relationship. At that moment, just before the end, you remember Wendy's telling you that he couldn't promise to be with you forever like you'd hoped. You saw this coming but you never thought it would happen again.

Then Wendy's sits you down, and before you know it, Wendy's is leaving you. It is a violent, painful separation. Everything Wendy's has to say to you seems like shit. The whole time you think, "Surely this much crap can't come out of one person!" Crap is just spewing all over the place. It is awful. If only you had remembered the last time you had gotten Wendy's! There was a burning, shitty ending that time too! Why did you think it'd be different?

Then and there, with your proverbial asshole on fire, you vow never to get Wendy's again! "I never want this kind of pain and discomfort ever again! I'm swearing off of Wendy's forever!"

But Wendy's fucking told you from the beginning that this might happen. YOU KNOW WENDY'S WAS GOING TO BE SHIT AT THE END!

So, I'm looking for a girl who just wants chicken nuggets or an order of fries, or possibly just a baked potato. I want a girl who will strip off the wrapper, take three or four bites, and then throw me in the fucking garbage. I want to be used like so much fast food for a while. I'm sick of being the greatest guy ever. I want a girl who just sawed off her last boyfriend's legs because he hit her. That way I'm not immediately in. If I want to be with her, I know I've got to try hard. I don't know. I guess these blogs are for what I just did. I don't have anything poignant to say. I'm just coughing up mental hairballs. I hope you had fun picking through these ones.